Living Consciously

Two broad areas in which the issue of living consciously arises for all of us are relationships and work. When we deal with another human being, we can bring a greater or lesser level of consciousness to the encounter. When we confront the tasks of the day, we can do so mindfully or we can bring minimal attention and thought. In both cases, we have choices and are responsible for the level of awareness we generate.

All of us are moved by ideas and values of which we may or may not be consciously aware. When asked to articulate their beliefs, people have often difficulty. Their philosophy is largely subconscious and has never been brought into the light of full awareness. This makes it more difficult to check against reality or to revise; they are stuck with old thinking that might not even have been theirs in the first place but merely absorbed uncritically from others. The unexamined idea is not worth holding. Independent and critical thinking need to be cultivated in our daily life.

What would it mean to say, “I love you,” if I neither see you nor know who you are nor exhibit any desire to do so? It can only mean, “Please don’t distract me with the reality of who you are. I am preoccupied with the dream of you.” Many people have an affair with or marry not a person but a fantasy – then resent the person for not being like their fantasy. They do not examine the mental processes that led to their selection of a partner. One of the ways I know you is by observing the ways you affect me. One of the ways I discover who you are is by identifying the ways I experienced myself in our interactions. If we’re willing to look without blinders, if we’re willing to see everything that’s there to be seen, shortcomings as well as strengths – and we still love passionately – that’s what it called mature, romantic love. If I do not know my own values, I am unlikely to be able to articulate what I value in you. If we are strangers to ourselves, others will be strangers to us.

If we love consciously, we are aware that how we respond to our partner entails a continuing process of choice. Talk to people who have remained deeply in love over many years and you will find that they operate at a high level of mindfulness with regards to their partners. They do not take their partners for granted. They remain conscious of the values and traits that initially inspired their love, and they note those values and traits in their daily encounters and interactions. They have retained the capability to see and to appreciate. Their love is mentally active. If people are mentally passive, no excitement can last, neither romantic love nor any other passion. The more we operate consciously and benevolently, the more we nourish our self-esteem. And of course, the reverse is also true. Through learning to meet challenges, we evolve as a person. This is one reason why a relationship can be a vehicle for personal growth.

It is generally recognized that in our modern information economy, a far higher level of knowledge, education, and skills is required of employees than was true in the past. What is less well understood is that what is also required is a much higher level of self-esteem, self-responsibility, and mindfulness. Organizations today need people who are willing to think, act on their own initiative, exercise independent judgment, be creative, and take responsibility for solving more and more of the problems that confront them without referring those problems to “higher ups.” The muscle worker has largely replaced by the knowledge worker. This means that, to be economically adaptive, we need to be not merely able-bodied but also able minded – to bring a high level of consciousness to our tasks. People who function at a heightened level of awareness actively seek to learn everything they can learn about the business, looks for ways to work better and more productively, seek to take on new challenges and responsibility as a path to growth and advancement. They make work as a source of joy or a means of self-expression or self-fulfillment, or a path to self-development.

Life has always meant growth, but never so obviously as today. Not to move forward is to move backward. Not to expanding in consciousness is to be contracting. What business organizations need today are people who are willing and able to think – to be self-directing and self-managing – to respond to problem proactively rather than merely wait for someone else’s solution – to be initiators – to be, in word, self-responsible. The employees with the brightest futures are those who, having mastered the challenges of today, are studying to meet the challenges of tomorrow. These are the men and women for whom learning is not a response to crisis but a way of life. They know that the only real source of security in this world lay in their knowledge, skills, and competence – which they could carry with them from one job to another.

The simplest application of mindfulness: being present to what I am doing while I am doing it. Stated in negative, being present to what I am doing means not act while my mind is somewhere else; not acting mechanically. Stated in the positive, it means acting in a mind-state appropriate to being effective.

If we are present to what we are doing, we tend to be alert and sensitive to incoming information that bears on the situation with which we are dealing. Our consciousness is open to receive. Mentally, we are proactive rather than passive. In such circumstances we are not operating mechanically; that is, we are not running old automatized routines with no fresh participation of mind brought to the occasion. In this moment of time, we are alive in the full sense. Life is not happening while we are somewhere else.

Being present to what we are doing does not mean “being in the now” in a way that drops all connection to past and future. We are in the moment but not trapped in the moment. The injunctions like “be here now” are sometimes interpreted /or misinterpreted to mean a shrinking of awareness to encompass only the immediate moment, with the rest of one’s knowledge cast into oblivion and with no concern for the future consequences of one’s acts. The ultimate absurdity of this understanding of “be here now” is captured in the cartoon showing a man falling from a skyscraper who remarks in mid-flight, “So far, so good.”

We can use the sentence completion exercise to illuminate the issue of being present to what we’re doing. For instance, “If I were to be more present to what I am doing . . .” The endings could include:
- I wouldn’t make so many mistakes.
- I’d see more.
- I’d see things I might not want to see.
- My family would feel more visible to me.
- My children would feel heard.
- I’d get more things done.
- I‘d know what was going on.
- I’d become aware of my emotions.
- I’d have to face what I was feeling.
- I’d feel stronger; at first I think I’d be more anxious.
- I’d feel I was living my life.

One of the themes one can notice in these endings is fear that, if we are present to what we are doing, emotions we have been denying or avoiding may rise to the surface of awareness and we will have to confront them. Often, a flight from the present is a flight from the reality of our inner state. This is not the only motive, to be sure, but it is one of the most common.

To live consciously means to seek to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values, and goals - to the best of our ability may be - and to behave in accordance with that which we see and know.

The practice of acting in accordance with one’s knowledge is essential. If I do not act on what I see and know, if my awareness is not reflected in my behavior - if my behavior contradicts my knowledge - I am in that regard not operating consciously. On the contrary, I am betraying consciousness. I evade what I know; I evade the motives for my evasion; I evade the fact that my behavior continues to defy my knowledge. Among other things, this is a sure formula for the undermining of self-esteem. It is also sure formula for the undermining of one’s long-term happiness and well-being. And yet people practice this betrayal every day, and when things go wrong, they wonder why life is so malevolent or why they are so “unlucky.” Thus: “ I know I ought to be giving more to my job and that I’m really unfair to my employer, but . . . ; I know it’s wrong to abuse my children, but . . .; I know our policies are causing the business to go to hell, but . . .” To some, “living consciously” may sound like an abstract idea, but in it’s consequences, it is as real as life and death.

And too often when we suffer the consequences of our unconsciousness, we do not ask, “How can I learn to be more conscious?” Instead we ask, “Why is life so difficult? Why do unhappy things always happen to me?” To remain stuck in this predicament is humiliating. It is offensive to one’s dignity. It deprives one of the experiences of personal power. There is no better beginning for personal power than a determination to choose and act consciously and take responsibility.

If we wish to parent consciously, we need to be aware of what we say to our children, remembering that what we say to them, they may later say to themselves - and in fact often do. Before we call a child stupid, sloppy, a coward, or bad, we need to ask ourselves:
Do I really want my child to think of him- or herself in the terms I am about to use?
Will that contribute to my child’s healthy development?
Will it foster growth and self-esteem?
Does it serve my child’s interests to learn self-contempt?
You may recognize some of these examples uninformed parents have told their children:

“You’re just not good at that.”
“Your room is always a mess.”
“You’ll never be an artist.”
“You’re lazy.”
Etc., etc., etc.
And some children are being told the most assuredly destructive words:
“You’ll never amount to anything.”

In doing so, by using words which program the child in the wrong way, parents unwittingly direct the child in the wrong way, they unwittingly help the child create a self-identity which believes that what they are saying is “the truth” - the parents create a picture portrait of how the child sees himself or herself inside, and eventually become. If we wish to live consciously, we need to be conscious of and take responsibility for the words coming out of our mouths.

It is quite common for husbands and wives who love each other to nonetheless say terrible things in the heat of an argument - things that they will regret, apologize for, and perhaps feel mortification at having said. Yet we know that words wound. Long after a quarrel has seemingly been resolved, we remember the abusive, hurtful things said to us, and sometimes they fester in the soul for a very long time. Worse still, we may come to believe them -believe that we are “mean,” “rotten,” “stupid,” “cowardly,” - and then act accordingly. Insults that are internalized have the power to generate self-fulfilling prophecies.

So in the sphere of human relationships, it is a mark of high consciousness always to be aware of the issue: Am I willing to take responsibility for the words coming out of my mouth? Do I intend the reaction I am likely to evoke?

This consciousness is merely an instance of a wider issue: Am I conscious of and willing to take responsibility for my choices and actions? The tragedy of many lives is that we make the most fateful decisions with little or no awareness that our choices will change the shape and direction of our existence. This is one of the meanings of the idea that often people are sleepwalkers through their days and years of their time on earth. They make choices without conscious awareness of doing so. They commit themselves to actions without projecting the consequences down the road. They are ruled more by impulse or routine or conformity than by critical reflection. This does not deny that their impulses may sometimes be good ones. Nor does it deny that their uncalculated actions may sometimes produce positive results. But as a basic way of life, their policy is dangerous. Choosing blindly is dangerous. Leaping without looking is dangerous. Living mechanically is dangerous. Letting others write one’s life script is dangerous. When you make choices and actions ruled more by impulses than by critical reflection, you’ll have the same success as you do in poker game if you bet without looking at your cards.

When people elect to operate without appropriate thought, they often profess astonishment at their unhappiness, as if the problem were that life is malevolent. “Why me?” they wonder, and of course the answer is easy to escape from self-responsibility by retreating into a tragic sense of life, or they might say, “It’s so hard to have to think about consequences.” But not as hard as what they’re going through now.

Life consists of the pursuits of goals. The goals maybe short-terms or long-terms, simple or complex, or anywhere in between: getting married, acquiring money for new home, raising a child, establishing a successful career, developing a business, preparing one’s organization for the challenges of the twenty-first century, etc. To the extend we live consciously we ask questions:
If such is my goal, what do I need to do in order to achieve it?
What information do I require?
By what criteria will I judge whether I am on course or off course?

If, for example, I want to raise a happy, well-functioning child, how do I propose to do it?
Is knowledge on this subject available?
Are there relevant books I ought to be reading?
What other useful resources exist?
What do I need to know to do a good job?
And what are the limits of what it is realistic to expect of myself?
What is in my power and what isn’t?

To the extend I operate consciously, I continually reach out for information relevant to my purposes. To the extend I don’t, I assume knowledge is unnecessary, that I know all I need to know, or that what I don’t know won’t hurt me. So here the questions are:
Do I stay alert to any information that might cause me to modify my course or correct my assumptions, or do I proceed on the premise that there is nothing new for me to learn?
Do I continually seek out new ideas that might be helpful, or do I close my eyes even if it is presented?
Mindfulness leads to increased effectiveness and possibility for success; its abandonment leads to failure and defeat.

During the last and this decade, many companies lost market share or went out of existence entirely because their leaders chose to ignore evidence that old ways of doing business were no longer appropriate,
just as employees remain stuck and are passed over by colleagues because they choose to ignore evidence that they need to acquire new skills to remain adaptive in a rapidly changing economy,
just as married break down because one or both partners choose to ignore evidence that their behavior is destroying the relationship,
just as children grow up without learning self-responsibility or self-discipline because parents believe all they have to do is feel “love” and that no knowledge or skill is needed to raise children properly.

If there is one certain indication of unconscious living, it is indifference to the question “What do I need to know (or learn) in order to achieve my goals? Such indifference is intimately related to the absence of a sense of reality. When that sense is lacking, when there is little or no grasp of facts or objectivity, goals (it is imagined) are achieved by wishing, not by appropriate action.

A relationship of reciprocal causation exists between the practice of living consciously and self-esteem. Just as living consciously strengthens self-esteem, so self-esteem inspires living consciously. If we have confidence in our mind, we are not deterred by challenges of new learning. Persevering, we tend to succeed in our efforts, which reinforces our initial confidence.

Just as living consciously entails taking responsibility for learning what is needed to achieve our goals, so it entails knowing where we are, relative to our goals at any time.

If one of my goals is to have a satisfying married, what is the present state of my married?
Do I know?
Would my partner and I answer the same way?
Are we happy with each other?
Are there frustrations and unresolved issues? If so, what am I doing about them?

If one of my goals is to build my business and increase the market share, what am I doing about it?
Am I closer to the goal than I was a year ago?
What are the signs that I am on track or off?
What are my criteria for measuring progress?

Think of some long- or medium-term goal of your own. Ask yourself where you stand in relation to it, as compared with a year ago. Are you making progress? What are the indicators?

Living consciously entails paying attention to the relationship between our professed values, goals, and purposes and our daily behavior. Sometimes there is a lack of congruence between what we say our goals are and how we invest our time and energy. If we are mindful, we monitor our actions (how we spend our times and energy) relative to our goals.

In pursuing our values and goals mindfully, we pay attention not only to our actions but also to their outcome. Are our actions producing the results we anticipated?
Our actions may be perfectly in alignment with our values, goals, and purposes, but the problem is that we miscalculated what our actions would achieve. If we are operating mechanically, it is very easy to be oblivious to this fact and go on repeating what does not work without ever drawing nearer our destination. Doing more of what doesn’t work doesn’t work. So we need feedback from our environment to be able to adjust or correct our course when necessary. To be open to such feedback is one of the meanings of being mindful - paying attention - living consciously.

If we are operating a business and our ads are performing calamitously below expectations, we may need to rethink the content of the ads, the media in which we advertise, our assessment of the market, or even our offering itself. What we do not do is ritually keep running the same ad.

If our child’s behavior is unacceptable to us and our sole response is to give lectures and make threats and the behavior does not change, the solution is to discover an alternative way of responding that yields better results. This requires that we bring a higher level of consciousness to the situation.

If we are a legislator who sponsors programs that not only fail to solve problem addressed but result in a worsening of that problem, the solution is not to spend more money or pass more laws. The solution is to reexamine our premises. However, when programs are paid for out of public treasury, there is no great incentive to pay attention to outcome or to painstakingly rethink our assumptions. When there is little accountability, there is little felt need to raise the level of our consciousness.

If we are wise enough to base our self-esteem not on being “right” but on being rational - on being conscious - and on having integrity, then we recognize that acknowledgement and correction of error is not an abyss into which we have fallen but a height we can take pride in having climbed.

Sometimes we need to do things that scare us. Sometimes we need to look at things that are painful. If we don’t, the consequences will be bad for us. Understanding this, we know that sometimes all we can do is draw a deep breath and proceed. One application of mindfulness is that of learning to manage the feeling that pulls us away from where we need to look. We can will ourselves to stand in the presence of that which we need to understand - we can choose to remain conscious. We can rule rather than be ruled by our avoidance impulses. We can value growth above immediate comfort. A simple sentence completion exercise that is usually helpful in this context (done daily for at least a week) consists of writing at least six endings of the stem “If I bring more consciousness to my fear (anxiety, pain, sadness, this situation, this problem, or whatever) . . . “ Radiating the dreaded area with awareness tends to reduce discomfort and generate deeper levels of understanding of what needs to be solved or healed.

Indeed, new light can be cast on almost any problem one has been avoiding by doing the exercise “If I bring more consciousness to X . . . “ (where X is the problem we need to confront). Thus: If I bring more consciousness to
- my emotions . . .
- my needs . . .
- my deepest longings . . .
- my deepest frustrations . . .
- my anxiety . . .
- my depression . . .
- my relationship with my boy (or girl friend) . . .
- my relationship with my spouse (or child, or supervisor, or friend . . .etc.) . . .
- my fear of self-assertiveness . . .
- my passivity . . .
- my procrastination . . .

And then write endings as rapidly as one can, allowing the unfamiliar and unexpected to emerge, stimulating the mind toward new understandings and new integrations and, ultimately, to the kind of mind shifts that result in new behavior.