Living Authentically
Honesty consists of respecting the difference between the real and the unreal and not of seeking to gain values by means of faking the reality; that is, not seeking to accomplish my goals by pretending that the truth is other than what it is.
Living authentically does not mean announcing every possible thought, feeling, or action, regardless of context, appropriateness or relevance. It does not mean volunteering private truths indiscriminately. It does means that the self within and the self manifested in the world be in accord. If I choose to fake the reality of my person, I do so to mislead the consciousness of others and as well as my own. I do so because I feel or believe that who I really am is not acceptable. I value delusion in someone else’s mind above my own knowledge of the truth. The penalty is that I go through life with the tormented sense of being an imposter. This means, among other things, that I sentence myself to the anxiety of wondering when I will be found out.
First I reject myself; that is implicit in living lies, in faking the truth of who I am. Then I go around feeling rejected by others or looking for possible signs of rejection, which I am typically quick to find. I imagine that the problem is between myself and other people. I do not grasp that the worst of what I fear from others I have already done to myself.
Jenny said, “Instead of going into the question of why I fixate on getting other people’s approval, I just keep seeking approval. I see very clearly that I am continually motivated by the fear that I will always be alone because I will be rejected and ‘not be chosen.’ So I get caught up in ‘Pick me, see me, don’t leave me out, choose me.’ My behavior around others is motivated by the thought, ‘Who do you want me to be so you’ll choose me?’ But the irony is, even if someone does choose me, I don’t believe they chose the real me because I was never being really authentic in the first place! I was only being certain way to get their attention. Therefore, I can’t trust them because I ‘sold’ them a certain persona, but not the real me. To get accepted, I’ll run through so many different, and falsely accommodating, behaviors that any authentic part of me gets entirely lost. So when they do respond to me, I don’t know what part they were responding to - the real me or the false me! Therefore I can’t trust the relationship or really settle into it. I just keep trying to figure out which behavior they responded to. What did they like, so I can do more of that.”
The lies most devastating to our self-esteem are not so much the lies we tell as the lies we live. We live a lie when we misrepresent the reality of our experience or the truth of our being. Thus I am living a lie when I pretend a love I do not feel; when I present myself as more than I am; when I present myself as less than I am; when I present myself as embodiment of values I do not feel or hold; when I am kind to everyone except the persons I profess to love; when I fake beliefs to win acceptance; when I allow my silence to imply agreement with convictions I do not share.
When we attempt to live unauthentically, we are always our first victims, since the fraud is ultimately directed at ourselves. That the ordinary lies of everyday life are detrimental to self-esteem is obvious - “No, I didn’t have a third piece of strawberry shortcake”; “No, I didn’t speculate the money”; “No, I didn’t fake the test results”; and so on. The implication is always that the truth is shameful or worse than shameful. That is the message we transmit to ourselves when we tell such lies.
Most of us were raised and “educated” in ways that make an appreciation of authenticity exceedingly difficult. We learned very early to deny what we are feeling, to wear a mask, and ultimately to lose contact with many aspects of our inner selves. We became unconscious of much of our inner selves – in the name of adjustment to the world around us.
Emotionally remote and inhibited parents tend to raise emotionally and inhibited children, not only through their explicit communications, but also through their own behavior, which proclaims to the child what is proper, appropriate, and socially acceptable. Since so much in childhood is frightening, bewildering, painful, and frustrating, we learn emotional repression as a defense mechanism, as a way of making life more tolerable. One of the most painful and disorienting experiences of childhood that people are driven to repress is the realization that most adults are liars. This, too, may become a barrier to understanding and valuing authenticity. I see a teacher flagrantly deny the truth to another student rather than acknowledge that she, the teacher, made a mistake. I hear mother lecture me on the virtue of honesty and then I hear her lie to others. Many people conclude that growing up means learning to accept lying as normal - that is, accepting and embracing unreality as a way of life. But if we permit ourselves this form of mind-sacrifice, if we allow ourselves to be ruled by fear, if we attach more importance to what other people believe than to what we know to be true we will not attain authenticity.
To attend authenticity, courage and independence are needed, especially since we encounter these qualities so rarely in others. But this should not deter us; if people who are authentic are a minority, so are people who are happy; so are people who have good self-esteem; so are people who know how to love. While the quality of their relationships is clearly superior to that of persons of low self-esteem, high self-esteem men and women are far from universally liked. Being more independent than average, they are more outspoken. They are more open about their thoughts and feelings. If they are happy and excited, they are not afraid to show it. If they are suffering, they do not feel obligated to “make nice.” If they hold unpopular opinions, they express them nonetheless. They are healthily self-assertive. They are not afraid to be who they are - to live authentically.
The relationships of high-self-esteem persons are characterized by higher-than-average degrees of benevolence, respect, and mutually supported dignity. Growth oriented men and women tend to support the growth aspirations of others. Persons who enjoy their own excitement enjoy the excitement of others. Persons who appreciate straight talk appreciate straight talk in those they deal with. Persons who feel comfortable saying yes when they want to say yes, and no when they want to say no, respect the right of others to do likewise. Persons who are authentic make the best, most trustworthy friends because others know where they stand with them – and because such persons inspire others to match their authenticity. In being authentic, we not only honor ourselves – we offer a gift to whomever we deal with. Living authentically is one of the ways we cultivate self-esteem.
To assert our own wants and needs (without expecting, of course, that anyone else be responsible for their fulfillment), even when it is difficult to do so – this is what our self-esteem asks of us? Yes.
To tell the truth about what we think and feel, without knowing in advance how others will respond? Yes.
To allow others to see and know who we are? Yes.
To remain loyal to our own consciousness, even if we are alone to see what we see and know what we know? Yes.
In thinking about the issue of living authentically here are some basic questions to consider. Using, a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 representing optimal authentically and 1 representing the lowest conceivable, rate yourself on each of these items. Of course, your willingness to be authentic will be challenged in how you rate yourself. Perhaps you will see clearly the areas in which you are inadequately self-assertive. Next, take a few minutes to sit quietly alone and meditate on the lies you are presently living. Do so without self-reproach; the purpose of this exercise is not to evoke guilt but to achieve greater clarity and self-understanding.
Am I generally honest with myself about what I am feeling, accepting my emotions, experiencing them, without necessarily being compelled to act on them?
Am In generally honest with others about my feelings in contexts where talking about feelings is appropriate?
Do I consciously strive to be truthful and accurate in my communications?
Do I talk comfortably, openly, and straightforwardly about that which I love, admire, and enjoy?
If I am hurt, angry, or upset, do I talk about this with honesty and dignity?
Do I stick up for myself and honor my needs and interests?
Do I allow other people to see my excitement?
If I know I am wrong, do I acknowledge this simply and candidly?
Do I feel that the self I experience internally is the self I present to the world?
You can explore this territory further via sentence completion, writing at least six endings for each of the following:
The hard thing about being honest with my self about what I’m feeling is . . .
The hard thing about being honest with others about my feeling is . . .
If I strived to be true and accurate in my communications . . .
If I talked openly about the things I love, admire, and enjoy . . .
If I were honest about feeling hurt, angry, or upset . . .
If I were willing to show others my excitement . . .
If I were honest about it when I knew I was wrong . . .
If I were willing to let people hear the music inside of me . . .
When I think of what I surrender for fear of being condemned . . .
When I think of what I surrender for fear of being laughed at . . .
If I were no longer need to hide or cheat . . .
If I were willing to experiment with being a little more authentic every day . . .
(No one leaps from being relatively unauthentic to being relatively authentic in a moment.)
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
Living authentically does not mean announcing every possible thought, feeling, or action, regardless of context, appropriateness or relevance. It does not mean volunteering private truths indiscriminately. It does means that the self within and the self manifested in the world be in accord. If I choose to fake the reality of my person, I do so to mislead the consciousness of others and as well as my own. I do so because I feel or believe that who I really am is not acceptable. I value delusion in someone else’s mind above my own knowledge of the truth. The penalty is that I go through life with the tormented sense of being an imposter. This means, among other things, that I sentence myself to the anxiety of wondering when I will be found out.
First I reject myself; that is implicit in living lies, in faking the truth of who I am. Then I go around feeling rejected by others or looking for possible signs of rejection, which I am typically quick to find. I imagine that the problem is between myself and other people. I do not grasp that the worst of what I fear from others I have already done to myself.
Jenny said, “Instead of going into the question of why I fixate on getting other people’s approval, I just keep seeking approval. I see very clearly that I am continually motivated by the fear that I will always be alone because I will be rejected and ‘not be chosen.’ So I get caught up in ‘Pick me, see me, don’t leave me out, choose me.’ My behavior around others is motivated by the thought, ‘Who do you want me to be so you’ll choose me?’ But the irony is, even if someone does choose me, I don’t believe they chose the real me because I was never being really authentic in the first place! I was only being certain way to get their attention. Therefore, I can’t trust them because I ‘sold’ them a certain persona, but not the real me. To get accepted, I’ll run through so many different, and falsely accommodating, behaviors that any authentic part of me gets entirely lost. So when they do respond to me, I don’t know what part they were responding to - the real me or the false me! Therefore I can’t trust the relationship or really settle into it. I just keep trying to figure out which behavior they responded to. What did they like, so I can do more of that.”
The lies most devastating to our self-esteem are not so much the lies we tell as the lies we live. We live a lie when we misrepresent the reality of our experience or the truth of our being. Thus I am living a lie when I pretend a love I do not feel; when I present myself as more than I am; when I present myself as less than I am; when I present myself as embodiment of values I do not feel or hold; when I am kind to everyone except the persons I profess to love; when I fake beliefs to win acceptance; when I allow my silence to imply agreement with convictions I do not share.
When we attempt to live unauthentically, we are always our first victims, since the fraud is ultimately directed at ourselves. That the ordinary lies of everyday life are detrimental to self-esteem is obvious - “No, I didn’t have a third piece of strawberry shortcake”; “No, I didn’t speculate the money”; “No, I didn’t fake the test results”; and so on. The implication is always that the truth is shameful or worse than shameful. That is the message we transmit to ourselves when we tell such lies.
Most of us were raised and “educated” in ways that make an appreciation of authenticity exceedingly difficult. We learned very early to deny what we are feeling, to wear a mask, and ultimately to lose contact with many aspects of our inner selves. We became unconscious of much of our inner selves – in the name of adjustment to the world around us.
Emotionally remote and inhibited parents tend to raise emotionally and inhibited children, not only through their explicit communications, but also through their own behavior, which proclaims to the child what is proper, appropriate, and socially acceptable. Since so much in childhood is frightening, bewildering, painful, and frustrating, we learn emotional repression as a defense mechanism, as a way of making life more tolerable. One of the most painful and disorienting experiences of childhood that people are driven to repress is the realization that most adults are liars. This, too, may become a barrier to understanding and valuing authenticity. I see a teacher flagrantly deny the truth to another student rather than acknowledge that she, the teacher, made a mistake. I hear mother lecture me on the virtue of honesty and then I hear her lie to others. Many people conclude that growing up means learning to accept lying as normal - that is, accepting and embracing unreality as a way of life. But if we permit ourselves this form of mind-sacrifice, if we allow ourselves to be ruled by fear, if we attach more importance to what other people believe than to what we know to be true we will not attain authenticity.
To attend authenticity, courage and independence are needed, especially since we encounter these qualities so rarely in others. But this should not deter us; if people who are authentic are a minority, so are people who are happy; so are people who have good self-esteem; so are people who know how to love. While the quality of their relationships is clearly superior to that of persons of low self-esteem, high self-esteem men and women are far from universally liked. Being more independent than average, they are more outspoken. They are more open about their thoughts and feelings. If they are happy and excited, they are not afraid to show it. If they are suffering, they do not feel obligated to “make nice.” If they hold unpopular opinions, they express them nonetheless. They are healthily self-assertive. They are not afraid to be who they are - to live authentically.
The relationships of high-self-esteem persons are characterized by higher-than-average degrees of benevolence, respect, and mutually supported dignity. Growth oriented men and women tend to support the growth aspirations of others. Persons who enjoy their own excitement enjoy the excitement of others. Persons who appreciate straight talk appreciate straight talk in those they deal with. Persons who feel comfortable saying yes when they want to say yes, and no when they want to say no, respect the right of others to do likewise. Persons who are authentic make the best, most trustworthy friends because others know where they stand with them – and because such persons inspire others to match their authenticity. In being authentic, we not only honor ourselves – we offer a gift to whomever we deal with. Living authentically is one of the ways we cultivate self-esteem.
To assert our own wants and needs (without expecting, of course, that anyone else be responsible for their fulfillment), even when it is difficult to do so – this is what our self-esteem asks of us? Yes.
To tell the truth about what we think and feel, without knowing in advance how others will respond? Yes.
To allow others to see and know who we are? Yes.
To remain loyal to our own consciousness, even if we are alone to see what we see and know what we know? Yes.
In thinking about the issue of living authentically here are some basic questions to consider. Using, a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 representing optimal authentically and 1 representing the lowest conceivable, rate yourself on each of these items. Of course, your willingness to be authentic will be challenged in how you rate yourself. Perhaps you will see clearly the areas in which you are inadequately self-assertive. Next, take a few minutes to sit quietly alone and meditate on the lies you are presently living. Do so without self-reproach; the purpose of this exercise is not to evoke guilt but to achieve greater clarity and self-understanding.
Am I generally honest with myself about what I am feeling, accepting my emotions, experiencing them, without necessarily being compelled to act on them?
Am In generally honest with others about my feelings in contexts where talking about feelings is appropriate?
Do I consciously strive to be truthful and accurate in my communications?
Do I talk comfortably, openly, and straightforwardly about that which I love, admire, and enjoy?
If I am hurt, angry, or upset, do I talk about this with honesty and dignity?
Do I stick up for myself and honor my needs and interests?
Do I allow other people to see my excitement?
If I know I am wrong, do I acknowledge this simply and candidly?
Do I feel that the self I experience internally is the self I present to the world?
You can explore this territory further via sentence completion, writing at least six endings for each of the following:
The hard thing about being honest with my self about what I’m feeling is . . .
The hard thing about being honest with others about my feeling is . . .
If I strived to be true and accurate in my communications . . .
If I talked openly about the things I love, admire, and enjoy . . .
If I were honest about feeling hurt, angry, or upset . . .
If I were willing to show others my excitement . . .
If I were honest about it when I knew I was wrong . . .
If I were willing to let people hear the music inside of me . . .
When I think of what I surrender for fear of being condemned . . .
When I think of what I surrender for fear of being laughed at . . .
If I were no longer need to hide or cheat . . .
If I were willing to experiment with being a little more authentic every day . . .
(No one leaps from being relatively unauthentic to being relatively authentic in a moment.)
…………………………………………………………………………………………………
posted by Inspirational Articles at 11:19:00 AM
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